I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. painted_lady I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. sarolabelle If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? She played Meribor (spelling.) The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. A museum or something might be a good start. You just have to learn to ignore that. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Is there crap out there? honeybeenicki I thought that was actually really funny. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary This is NO accident. Make it a game. painted_lady When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Her free spirit and spontaneity. lets_be_honest Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. Your email address will not be published. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. Ha! My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. But the show as a whole, awesome. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Driving You Crazy From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. Absolutely Dad! I think you are probably right. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Heck no! lets_be_honest Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. Required fields are marked *. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. I just dont get it. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole Definitely! Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Its not rocket science. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. bittergaymark If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. Nip . (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Which is exactly why she wrote in. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. Awesome. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. meadowphoenix It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Thanks temp! I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. it seems to . Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. I camped. Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. Hah! Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. BtVS not mature and intelligent? Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . a truly horrible driver. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Show interest in his interests. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Whats ok is to have a balance. My parents listened to Oldies. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Entirely too much. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. . I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . lets_be_honest Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. My Husband Hates My Daughter! 4 Ways To Fix A Broken Relationship Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. temperance Im dying for new people to follow! Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. So sad. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click To care for our two young kids. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. lets_be_honest How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? Thinks hes hilarious). Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Highlight their special talents and abilities. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. lets_be_honest We were so thrilled. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. I watched it when I was a kid. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire How dare she share her own interests. Show interest in his interests. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. "I cant win for losing. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. If the issue is raised during a child custody . Aaaaah! Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. Older and (hopefully) wiser lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? I would call that well-rounded. But I agree with everything else you said. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Older and (hopefully) wiser That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. , temperance Interested in science? Youre right, though. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. | I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. And not just to me and your husband. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Agreed. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. . Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. honeybeenicki What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. What?! One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? However, he also needs to learn to compromise. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. WOW! Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? No. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. painted_lady lets_be_honest I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Sometimes those things just happen. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. I cried myself to sleep. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. bittergaymark This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager.
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